Christmas with Zeus is a Dick

By Callie Robertson

Christmas day on Olympus, and Zeus wakes up with an almighty hangover. He’s lying on a doorstep. He looks around blearily. At least it’s his own doorstep. He recognizes the plant pot. Did he …. ? Yup there’s the vomit. He attempts to stand up but it’s not easy when you’re wrapped in tinsel. Hera’s going to be furious. She hates tinsel. He tries to push open the front door, but it’s locked. He bangs the knocker as loudly as his headache will allow. Eventually he hears footsteps and the door opens. Forgetting he’s leaning against it, Zeus falls flat on his face into the hall.

“You’re pathetic”.

“Hera. Darl! Happy Christmas!!” He tries smiling. She glares at him. He wills himself not to throw up again.

“You made a promise” she says icily.

“I know I know, but it’s not every day Aphrodite throws a party – and honey you should have seen it – there was a a vodka luge, ice sculptures, and everyone was there! Well, not everyone. I mean … “ he tails off.

“You are going to pay for this Zeus” and with that Hera stalks off to baste the turkey.

Dionysus is the first to arrive – still drunk of course. Then Aphrodite, looking amazing in a pair of white hot pants, followed closely by the rest of the gods, all with varying degrees of hangover. Hera puts Dionysus in charge of drinks and Hermes hands out mini smoked salmon sandwiches like he’s on speed (which he is). As usual it’s Apollo who provides the entertainment. He’s wearing a Christmas jumper with bells on, and gives them a rousing rendition of ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’. Hades is uncharacteristically smiley (apparently Persephone put some Prozac in his stocking), and for the first time since Hera can remember, Poseidon is wearing an actual suit rather than a wetsuit. She looks around the room and allows herself to breathe. Maybe it’s going to be okay after all. She bangs the dinner gong and everyone goes through to the dining room. She hears them oohing and aahing over her table settings as she heads to the kitchen to check on the food. She smiles. Maybe it’s going to be more than okay.

The gods are enchanted by the dining room, there are candles everywhere, and each god has a beautiful wooden carving of themselves as their name place. The centre-piece looks magnificent – a gleaming brass candelabra festooned in holly with a fat robin perched at the base. Even Aphrodite has to admit that the whole effect is very classy. It’s not until they take their seats that they realize Zeus is missing.

“Did he even make it home last night?” asks Ares.

“Well you should know, you were the one who promised you’d go with him – or were you too busy shagging my wife?” says Hephaestus

“Aphrodite was just showing me her new headboard, and anyway I think Dad’s old enough to walk back on his own” replies Ares giving the Goddess of Love a surreptitious wink.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so drunk.” says Demeter “The amount of times I’ve told him how the wheat in the alcohol can really mess with your bowel function …”

“Probably enough to drive him to it” mutters Artemis

“Sorry, what was that?” says Demeter

“Did you see him on the dance floor though?” Apollo jumps in quickly “Actual dad dancing!!” and he gets up to mimic his father gyrating like some sort of out of control magimix.

Everyone falls about laughing. No one notices the robin getting more and more agitated.

“The worst part was when he tried to get it on with the ice sculpture” laughs Hermes

“No way!!” says Athena

“Seriously. I overheard him saying ‘you should see the size of my cock’”

“Shut up!! He is unbelievable!!”

“And it’s not even that big!” Apollo again.

This is too much for Zeus. Apollo has crossed the line. In a flash he changes from a robin back into himself and to everyone’s shock is suddenly standing on the table scattering candles everywhere.

“HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME!!!” he yells.

And they’re all like Zeus!! jokes we didn’t mean it, it was just christmas bantz, and hey great robin by the way. But the king of the gods won’t be mollified.

“Get out the lot of you!”

Hera appears just as they’re filing out of the dining room.

“They were disrespecting my cock” says Zeus still standing on the table

“Great.”

There’s an awkward silence as everyone sort of looks at the floor, and then Poseidon says

“Hey dudes – why don’t we all just go back to mine and chill on the beach”

For a second Hera thinks about her duty as Goddess of marriage and family, but only for a second. “I’ll bring the mince pies”.

Without another word they’re gone. Zeus thinks well fuck you all, and then to make himself feel better says out loud ‘Who’s the king of the gods? I’m the king of the gods!’ but he gets out his cock just to check.

And we’ll leave him there shall we? Completely unaware that the fallen candles are about to set fire to the wooden place settings which are going to provide excellent tinder for the whole place to go up in smoke …

Happy Christmas Zeus.