16 Hilarious Dating Profiles of Famous Fictional Characters

16 Hilarious Dating Profiles of Famous Fictional Characters

09 Feb 2015

Find out how this motley crew of fictional characters would get on in the world of internet dating.

Valentine's Day is approaching again! Whether you are looking forward to a romantic evening with that special someone, hitting the town in the hope of meeting Mr/Mrs Right, or sitting at home with a giant tub of Ben and Jerry's and your feel-good movie of choice, these days most of us are familiar with the idea of internet dating even if we haven't tried it first hand.

But what would happen if some of our favourite fictional characters were uprooted from their narrative and found themselves seeking their perfect mate online? Let's find out!

Sherlock Holmes

No_1_Detective

Age: somewhere between Cumberbatch and McKellen
Location: 221B Baker Street
Seeking: The Woman

 

A few words about me…
The world’s only consulting detective. I already know everything about you before you’ve spoken, which can make first dates a little dull. I would probably rather be somewhere else in disguise investigating something. I do not mean that in a kinky way.

What my ideal partner would be like
An opera singer who had an affair with the King of Bohemia. There is only… the woman.

My idea of the perfect date
I will be dressed as an elderly clergyman. You will be disguised as a young man. Our eyes will meet in brief recognition of each other’s intellect, and then we will never meet again.

Best feature
My incomparable intellect (comparable only to my brother, but he’s too fat to date).

Biggest turn off

Napoleons of crime, waterfalls.

Interests
Violin playing, cocaine, impossible murders.

Camilla Macaulay

Greek_Lightning

Age: 19
Location: Hampden College, Vermont
Seeking: A ‘partner in crime’ for Bacchanals and maybe more

A few words about me…
Anglophile, Classicist, orphan. I’m got 99% problems but the locative case ain’t one. Don’t be jealous if my male friends tell me I have the hair of a Flemish angel. I spend my days poring over dusty primers and my nights up to no good. Any liaisons will have to be kept a secret from my crazy jealous alcoholic twin brother Charles, just FYI.

What my ideal partner would be like
Preferably someone with a fake British accent and tweed plus fours. Latin jokes optional. Michelin-starred restaurants a must.
My idea of the perfect date
Dressed in togas, drunk on vino, we would run wild through the woods of Hampden, reciting Euripides and butchering farmers. Or just translate some erotic poetry in the library. Your choice.

Best feature
I can keep a secret.

Biggest turn off
The inability to speak multiple dead languages. Duh.

Interests
Greek tragedy. Smoking. Hiking. Burying my dead friends in the snow.

Jay Gatsby

Trimalchio17

Age: Rather not say, old sport.
Location: West Egg.
Seeking: Daisy. Just… Daisy.

A few words about me…
I’ve got connections. Just ask Uncle Wilhelm. MidWest-born, Oxford-educated, ex-military. Old money, I swear. Teetotal.
Living the dream.

What my ideal partner would be like
A beautiful little fool. Petite, blonde, preferably an ex-debutante. Married/NSA is fine by me.

My idea of the perfect date
I will throw a party. A party like West Egg has never seen. And you will come to it, and see what I have made of myself, and finally love me again.

For the second date I will fill the house with flowers, which is not at all controlling or creepy.

Best feature
I own a lot of shirts. Really, really nice shirts. Seriously, they make grown women cry.

Biggest turn off
Poverty.

Interests
Sailing, cricket, bootlegging, big game hunting, cars.
Favourite colour: green.
That’s enough questions, old sport. I don’t like questions. Excuse me, I have to take a phone call from Philadelphia.

Voldemort

TheDarkLord

Age: I. Am. Immortal.
Location:  Quirrell’s Turban
Seeking: Friendship; relationship; host for horcrux-storage

A few words about me…
That’s right ladies: I am a master of the Dark Arts (of seduction). I have a powerful wand and I know how to use it.
One date with me and you’ll be over to the dark side in no time.

My idea of the perfect date
Baby, I’d take you for an Albanian stew and whisper sweet Parseltongue in your ear before inviting you to seek the Philosopher’s Stone. When you look at me, you’ll feel like you’re looking in the Mirror of Erised :)

Best feature
My ability to perform the most atrocious acts of pure evil the world has ever known #AvadaKedavra.

Biggest turn off
Filthy muggles; mudbloods; mother-son love.

Interests
Murdering Harry Potter; dressing my snake up as Bathilda Bagshot.

Adrian Mole

Measuring_Up

Age: Various
Location: Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Seeking: Profoundly in love with Pandora. But as that ship has sailed, WLTM left-leaning feminist with fluorescent pink leg-warmers and a magnificent curl to her lip.

A few words about me…
I have been many things in my life, career-wise, but in my heart I was always a poet and novelist (my magnum opus ‘Lo, the Flat Hills of my Homeland!’ is yet to find a mainstream audience. Any lady publishers out there?).

What my ideal partner would be like
Every artist needs his muse, and as my Pandora seems unlikely to agree to becoming the third Mrs Mole I must search for my Thalia, my Euterpe, my Melpomene (NB other names also acceptable. But not Sharon. Ever since Sharon Botts I can’t shake the idea that anyone with that name would do it for 50p and a pound of grapes, even if she is the mother of my child).

My idea of the perfect date
Anything. Anything. Just please don’t make me spend another night in watching ‘Police Camera Action!’ with Dave from next door. I don’t know how he gets in, I’ve changed the locks twice.

Best feature
Depends what time of day I measure it. And I think my ruler’s not working properly.

Biggest turn off
‘Police Camera Action!’

Interests
Poetry, politics, cappuccino

Cruella de Vil

LotsofSpots

Age: How dare you
Location: London
Seeking: A handsome dog. Or several. The younger the better

 

A few words about me…
I like the finer things in life, I won’t lie. My personal style is important to me. Definitely more a dog person than a cat person.

What my ideal partner would be like
Own hair a must. Should be affectionate, trusting and generous.

My idea of the perfect date
A black and white film, then dinner somewhere secluded and soundproofed. Them? Oh, they’re just my henchm.. bodyguards. Bodyguards. Yes.

Best feature
My glorious hair.

Biggest turn off
Vegetarians, lefties, goodie-goodies.

Interests
Haute couture, central heating, spicy food.

Arthur Dent

Mostly_Harmless

Age: 34…ish. I rather lost count after leaving the solar system.
Location: Earth 2
Seeking: A human lady, if that’s not too much trouble.

A few words about me…
I used to live in a small cottage in the West Country, England, Earth, until it was demolished by Vogons to make way for a hyperspatial express route. The Earth that is, not my cottage. Well, yes, my cottage was also destroyed... anyway.

I spent an inordinate amount of time hitchhiking around the universe in my dressing gown (not drinking any tea) with a depressed android. I lived in a cave on prehistoric Earth for some time and also had a short career as a sandwich-maker on the planet Lamuella. Now I think I’m ready to settle down.

I really just want a quiet life…

What my ideal partner would be like
Someone who will be nice to me and not run off with a two-headed pillock from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.

My idea of the perfect date
A nice cup of tea somewhere completely normal.
But not on a Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
And don’t forget your towel.

Best feature
I know how to queue.

Biggest turn off
Vogon poetry.

Interests
Tea, Custard creams, Normality.

Harriet Vane

An_Oxford_ Bloomsbury_Bluestocking

Age: 35
Location: Bloomsbury, London
Seeking: M 40-45. No monocles

A few words about me…
Yes, that Harriet Vane. Yes, I’m a famous author. Yes, I was once accused of murdering my boyfriend. Yes, I was acquitted, thanks very much. No, I won’t introduce you to Peter Wimsey. Please don’t ask me where I get my ideas, or tell me about a great idea you once had for a murder mystery. Actual murderers need not apply.

Peter, if you’re reading this, for the last time: no.  

What my ideal partner would be like
A lovely afternoon spent punting, hand in hand with a statelier past. If we find a dead body – which we probably will – I’m absolutely not getting involved. No, don’t even ask. I’m not.

Best feature         
My arum-lily neck.

Biggest turn off      
Murderers.

Interests        
Reading, writing, standing firm in the face of romantic obstinacy.

Holden Caulfield

Hunting_Hat_Holden

Age: 17
Location: New York
Seeking: Girls. Jesus. You just about drive me crazy. Even if you were sitting there, blowing your nose or scratching your arm or telling me how terrifically jaded you feel about Tinder. It’d be nice to shoot the crap. And maybe drink a goddam highball

A few words about me…
I’m about six foot two and have a million grey hairs on one side of my head. It’s true.

And if you really want to hear about it, I’m not the kind of guy who, on the first date, goes on and on about his lousy childhood or any of that eHarmony kind of crap. I don’t talk about how many crazy marathons I’ve run either or get sore and childish as hell if you beat me at ping pong in Shoreditch for God’s sake. I don’t understand those sort of guys, I really don’t. Maybe they’re all secretly terrific dancers or something. But just to warn you, I have one of those loud, very stupid laughs and I can be sarcastic if I’m in the mood.  I mean, if I ever had to go on a date with myself, I'd probably lean over and tell myself to please shut up.

What my ideal partner would be like
A girl who likes playing checkers on the porch when it’s raining like crazy. I mean, generally, I like it when somebody gets all excited talking about something or even digresses. I mean, I actually like it when someone digresses. It’s interesting. I’m looking for a girl I can hold hands with and not even worry about my goddam palm feeling sweaty. I mean, hell, if we go to the movies and you put your hand on the back of my neck, that just about kills me.

My idea of the perfect date
The Museum of Natural History really knocks me out.

Best feature My crazy red hunting hat.

Biggest turn off:
Goddamn phonies. And those fake nails that point all over the place.

Interests
I mean, a lot of the time I don’t even know what my interests are until I start talking about things that don’t interest me in the slightest. Like phoney artisan bakeries or the latest season of Homeland. Or Zumba. I suppose you could say, I’m interested in where the ducks go when their goddam lagoon is frozen over.

Scar

King_Scar

Age: Perfect
Location: The Pride Lands
Seeking: A female of breeding age

A few words about me…
Following the tragic death of my beloved brother, I was forced to take up the mantle of kingship and rule the Pride Lands until such time as we find my long-lost nephew, who’s technically next in line for the crown. It’s such a burden, you don’t even know. The kid’s been gone for years, and though I’ve searched and searched… well, I’m sorry to say, but I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be found. Anyway, yeah, I’m totally king now. It’s awesome.

What my ideal partner would be like
I’m not into that whole interspecies thing, so you’ve got to be a lioness. You’d probably better get on with hyenas, as there are a lot of them hanging around the ol’ Pride Rock these days.

My idea of the perfect date
You’ll spend the day hunting, then drag your kill to Pride Rock. I prefer tender young wildebeest, so don’t bother showing up with a warthog or some old elephant or whatever. You’ll stand aside as I eat my fill, then watch as my hyena subordinates fight over the bones. Later we’ll watch the stars rise in the sky, and discuss the mysteries of the afterlife – ha ha, I can’t even finish that sentence.

Best feature        
I’ve got a super sexy scar running down my face. But hey, if scars aren’t your  thing, just you wait till you hear my villainous basso profundo.

Biggest turn off    
Cubs. Baby lions, Chicago-based sports teams, you name it. I hate ‘em all.

Interests        
Fratricide, conspiracies, lies, fascism.

Jane Eyre

meek_and_mild82

Age: 21
Location: The moors
Seeking: I would not dare presume to think anyone would be interested in me. And yet, my heart stirs for a bold Byronic hero who looks dashing on a horse. Could you be my Mr Rochester?

A few words about me…
A tragic childhood in the cold Yorkshire moors has taught me patience, fortitude and the ability to humbly accept my lot, though I do have a temper! Occasionally I hear mysterious voices calling my name.  

What my ideal partner would be like
I long for a landed gentleman, with smouldering eyes and a hidden past, though I know it can never be!

My idea of the perfect date
A wander in the grounds of your palatial country house, uninterrupted by wards/vicars/crazy exes.

Best feature
Forgiveness, commitment, also a light sleeper able to leap into action at the first whiff of smoke or strange laughter.

Biggest turn off
Bigamy, fires, typhus.

Interests
Missionary work, caring for the blind.

White Walker

Beyond_the_Wall

Age: Ageless
Location: the Lands of Always Winter
Seeking: Warmth, companionship, and the recently deceased
A few words about me…
Honestly, I’ve been alive so long I can’t remember my own childhood. But I don’t mean that in a boastful way. I’m actually quite lonely! I don’t know why, but people tend to find me cold.

What my ideal partner would be like
You must be warm, engaging, and willing to chuckle about the fact that my feet are always chilly when I go to bed.  If you have a problem with the fact that I raised you from the dead to do my bidding it’s probably not going to work out.

My idea of the perfect date
We’ll share a ride on a mammoth as we travel from the Haunted Forest to the Frozen Shore. I’ll pack a thermos of Nightwatch stew and the latest episode of Scandal. It’ll be magical. (Bring a sweater.)

Best feature        
My baby blues.

Biggest turn off    
Dragonglass.

Interests        
Ice, snow, blizzards, zombie hordes.

Dracula

Prince_of_Darkness77

Age: is just a number
Location: Transylvania
Seeking:  Virgins and haemophiliacs

A few words about me…
I'm an old soul with a taste for the finer things in life

 

What my ideal partner would be like
O negative

My idea of the perfect date
Call me old fashioned, but I like to take a woman out for dinner

Best feature
My teeth

Biggest turn off
Garlic breath, being staked in the heart, monogamy

Interests
World domination, animal husbandry, boating

Sandworm

The_Shy_Hulud

Age: Unknowably ancient
Location: Arrakis
Seeking: A rider, male or female

A few words about me…
Although I go by many names – The Great Maker, Grandfather of the Desert, Terrifying Giant Worm-Monster – I’m really a very normal guy. And, like my username suggests, rather shy.  I live on a really hot planet, so I spend most of my time burrowing under the sand, hanging out with my friends and playing Lego Batman on my Wii. I really should mention that I feel a strange attraction to deep, sustained thumping noises – but it’s nothing creepy, I promise.

What my ideal partner would be like
I’m open to all possibilities! Ideally you will possess native leadership abilities and a healthy group of followers. Ability with maker hooks a must.  Painful family history and/or revolutionary intent a happy bonus!

My idea of the perfect date
You set off your thumper to attract me, preferably during a full moon. I appear. You hop onto my back and direct me to Observatory Mountain. We spend a glorious century on the crest of the mountain, talking about spice blows and the best places to observe sandtrout while you begin your transformation. Three or four thousand years later you’ll have become the most extraordinary sandworm-human hybrid Arrakis has ever known.

Best feature
My cinnamon-scented breath.

Biggest turn off
Water.

Interests
Sand, dust, tunnelling, comics, origami.

Ebenezer Scrooge

changed_man

Age: 76
Location: Past, present and future Christmas
Seeking: Redemption, a family, ideally no ghosts

A few words about me…
I sacrificed my soul and very existence in the pursuit of lucre. My staff feared me. My family tolerated me only in the hope of inheritance. I was a total git, if I’m honest, but I have changed now and see that only in sharing one’s wealth and good fortune can one hope to live a happy life.

What my ideal partner would be like
Someone to share my last remaining years spending my ill-gotten gains on virtue and good works. No gold-diggers please.

My idea of the perfect date
Down at the local orphanage, bringing joy and turkey to the unwashed and unfortunate.

Best feature
My change of heart and piles of cash.

Biggest turn off
Door knockers, selfishness.

Interests
Making money, refusing leave – ha, just kidding! Sharing with those around me, wishing all a merry Christmas, fingerless gloves and frock coats.

Victor Frankenstein

ModernPrometheus

Age: 56
Location: Ingolstadt
Seeking: A fine set of organs

A few words about me…
My name is Victor Frankenstein, but don’t let my name scare you. I’m a scientist who likes: trying new things, travelling to cold countries, sewing, and storms.

What my ideal partner would be like
I guess I’m looking for a little bit of everything. An arm from here, a leg from there, and a good brain is essential. Conversation not important.

My idea of the perfect date
First we’d head down to my lab and I could show you my knitting skills, then we’d get to know one another on the operating table until the sparks really start to fly.

Best feature
I can make your heart beat faster.

Biggest turn off
Being mistaken for a monster.

Interests
Sewing, Electricity, Life!

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